Mask, or Makeup? What do you see?

WHAT DO YOU SEE?

I want to share with you a poem I wrote a while ago, which in a lot of ways is still relevant to me, even as I write this. 
I know I don't speak for everyone, but for myself,  it is not uncommon to act a certain way, or put on a smile, or pretend to enjoy something, even if inside, it is a complete act. 

This poem has very personal thoughts in it, some are relevant and some are not.
Please take the time to read it, and understand, this is how I can share myself. 



Sometimes I fake the smile

But often I can't talk
Sometimes I hold it back
But often I can't walk

Sometimes I do
And sometimes I don't
While God says I will
My body says I won't

My family means so much
They have love to give
I'm trying to keep going
For them I want to live

I don't see light in my heart
I just feel empty and blue
But I need to give that up
God knows what to do

I need to leave myself alone
To stop the pain and fears
To let God take over
To take away my tears

It hurts so much to be alive
But it hurts to end it all
Please help me God I need you 
Please catch me as I fall

I remember saying to someone a little while ago, that I am not putting on a mask. That would be easy. 
I am putting on makeup. My 'mental makeup'.

It takes time and effort to apply. It is hard to make sure it looks right, to present the image I want without it looking fake. 
It can look believable.
The hardest thing about makeup, is that after a while, it becomes an almost truth, not just for others, but also for myself. 
It is not easy to remove.

Declaring your weakness to the world is a humbling experience, and a very scary one. 
Most of the time I am unable to manage this, so, instead of letting my tears out, or admitting to someone that I'm really struggling, I put on that makeup. 
I smile, and talk. I try to convince those around me, and also myself, that things are all OK.

This is a dangerous path. 
It leads to loneliness and feelings of being misunderstood, or not heard. 
It leads to denial. 
It can also lead to mistrust from others, as they don't know what's real and whats makeup. 

A young boy stood in a field alone. His foot was stuck and he couldn't move. After 4 hours, his father finally finds him. 'Why did;t you come to me sooner?' the boy cried.
"I would have' said the father, hugging his son, 'but you didn't call out for help.'

I can't say I'm at a point where I have this sorted. 
I wish I could.

Every day I have to decide whether to apply the makeup, and most days, I do. It seems easier to fake it than to have to deal with it. 

I don't have great advice on how to stop this. All I can do is let you know you are not alone in this, and by speaking out, you will discover you are not alone. You will see that those who care about you understand, and love you no matter what.

For me, writing this blog is about revealing myself, without the make up. It's scary (putting it mildly!), but I know it's important. 

When I put my poem on here, I deleted it several times, before deciding that I would leave it on here. It makes me feel very vulnerable, without my makeup.

I urge you to have a look at yourself in the mirror. 
How long does it take to apply your mental makeup? 
Do you venture out without it? 
Do you declare your natural self wherever you go? 
Do you stand out, or do you hide? 

Trust me, hiding is painful, and it hurts. 

 Show who you really are, and believe me, people will see your beauty.

Please feel free to leave a comment, or to pass on to a friend. 
Any questions or suggestions will be responded to as soon as I am able. 
Thank you for taking the time to read!

Comments

Unknown said…
Yes, I agree - trouble is we all do it (make up, that is) to some extent mostly because most people can't cope with real honesty and openness from others - it's too confronting. It goes back to the 'how are you?' question that is mostly asked without the expectation of someone actually telling how they really are.
24 May 2018 at 16:18
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Is knowledge enough to help?

Image
Does knowledge always have the answer? Is knowledge instinctive or learned?  In a way its both. When we are born, we dont know things like 2x2=4, but we do know how to breath, and the instinctual knowledge of how to gain sustenance to survive.  Its difficult to seperate the two points. Some people say how amazing they are with the knowledge they’ve gained, and yet someone who has not had any training may also achieve the same goals.  But how is this knowledge relevant when someone is unwell?  Knowledge can help lead a person down the path to insight, and relief, but in some cases, it can become a blockage to healing.  There are many times in our life where the facts from a text book are enough to get us through.  For example, if someone comes out in a rash after eating egg, it can be diagnosed that there is an egg allergy, even a blood test can prove this. Unfortunately, mental illness is not as simple as that.  There is no blood test or brain scan that c
Read more

Friend in the fog

Image
Friendships. For some people, friendships are easy, for others it can be difficult. There are so many variations on how different friendships work. Some people can  be  a good friend but dont  have  a good friend. Some people  have  good friends but are  not  good friends in return. Then    the true friendship, goes both ways. We need to be there for each other. Supporting when we are falling. No matter how things play out in our lives, the people around us are part of what makes us who we are  I said ‘part of’ becasue those around us shouldnt dictate our life.  Having a friend: someone who you can call at midnight and say ‘i need you’ but at the same time can go out and watch a stupid movie and laugh on the couch all afternoon.  This sort of friendship, in my experience is rare.  Its sought after, and sometimes forced, to act as if it were true, but it often doesnt totally add up. When someone has a mental illness, a lot of people find it too much hard work to stick
Read more

our pain leaves scars

Our life leaves scars I have scars. Many scars. Too many to count. I hide my scars everyday. Thats why I'm relieved it is long sleeve weather. (ALTHOUGH THE COLD IS HORRIBLE!) I try to convince myself that nobody notices. I pray so hard that people don't even realise what I have done to my own body, even though I know deep down my struggles have been made aware to many people. Even writing this goes against everything I try to avoid. I don't want people to know. I don't want people to see. I have had people say  'So what, thats ok, I understand ' I have been told many times by psychologists that those that care won't judge. It doesn't matter.  But does it? It's not always as straightforward as that. Some of my scars are from injuries growing up. They would have an interesting story, either funny or sad, or scary, to go with them, but for me, I don't have those stories. My mind has lost connection to all of those memories.
Read more