Friend in the fog

Friendships.

For some people, friendships are easy, for others it can be difficult. There are so many variations on how different friendships work. Some people can be a good friend but dont have a good friend. Some people have good friends but are not good friends in return. Then  the true friendship, goes both ways. We need to be there for each other. Supporting when we are falling.

No matter how things play out in our lives, the people around us are part of what makes us who we are 

I said ‘part of’ becasue those around us shouldnt dictate our life. 

Having a friend: someone who you can call at midnight and say ‘i need you’ but at the same time can go out and watch a stupid movie and laugh on the couch all afternoon. 

This sort of friendship, in my experience is rare. 

Its sought after, and sometimes forced, to act as if it were true, but it often doesnt totally add up.

When someone has a mental illness, a lot of people find it too much hard work to stick around. Sometimes the friendship is broken, becasue of the horrible damage the black dog does to people. 

The sad thing is, this is one of the most important times to have that foundation and connection with someone. 

But it can’t be made just by trying, or by ‘obligation’. 

It comes from the heart. 

My daughter had a friend, who she grew up with ever since they were born, just weeks apart. 

They were inseparable. Every year the friendship grew deeper and deeper. They were true best friends, sisters. 

But once they started high school, something changed. Nobody really knows what happened, or if anything in particular actually happened at all, but they grew apart, rather quickly. They sat in different groups at school, and no longer saw each other outside of school.

Everyone was so sad to see this happen. Many of us tried to reignite the friendship. To sort out whatever it was that caused the drift. 

But the fact was, none of that would work. They were no longer friends, and to pretend or act as if they were close again would only harm both of them.

Sometimes we have to let go of past friendships. It can be traumatic, a grief to work through if it had been a special friend. At the same time though, its just as damaging to believe something is there when its not, there is no point pretending.

One thing i really dont want, is a pity friend. Someone who checks in occasionally telling me how much they care, but then just go on with life. The conversations are generic, and awkwardness is felt in the room, as if nobdy really knows what to say or do. One person might be trying hard to grow closer, but it just wont happen.

I used to believe different, but my illness has changed my view. 

Having depression affects how i can relate to others. 

What do i say? What do i do? 

My darkness hurts those around me, even if they honestly care, getting close to me just draws them into the painful world i live in.

Sometimes the best thing to do is let go of those old friendships, the ones who need you to be someone your not. 

If my pain darkens someone else, i would rather lose the friendship to save a friend.

Im sure there are people who will come into your life who can fill that lonely void depression causes. You dont have to change who you are. A true friend takes you as you are.

I know my biggest problem is pretending I’m fine, not letting people in. I know some people cannot cope with my pain, so i dont show it anymore. But i should. Maybe one day i will be able to. 

I hope you will be able to as well.

Im sorry this isn’t  an inspiring blog post. Its been a while since I've written, and its a struggle. Bear with me, ill work back into it.

Dont give up. Reach out. Someone will be there.

Please feel free to comment, id love to hear your view.