our pain leaves scars

Our life leaves scars

I have scars.
Many scars.
Too many to count.

I hide my scars everyday.

Thats why I'm relieved it is long sleeve weather. (ALTHOUGH THE COLD IS HORRIBLE!)

I try to convince myself that nobody notices. I pray so hard that people don't even realise what I have done to my own body, even though I know deep down my struggles have been made aware to many people.
Even writing this goes against everything I try to avoid.

I don't want people to know. I don't want people to see.

I have had people say 'So what, thats ok, I understand'
I have been told many times by psychologists that those that care won't judge. It doesn't matter. 

But does it?

It's not always as straightforward as that.

Some of my scars are from injuries growing up. They would have an interesting story, either funny or sad, or scary, to go with them, but for me, I don't have those stories.
My mind has lost connection to all of those memories.
So in a way, these scars should mean nothing. Just a mark on the skin.

I also have scars from surgeries. Some of them I can remember, experiences that sometimes I wish I could forget. I have vivid flashbacks of these terrible experiences.
These scars tell a story that is often too hard to speak of.

And then there's my other scars. The ones I hide most carefully.
I am too ashamed to even be comfortable with my family seeing them.
I know they care, I know they don't mind or judge.

But I do.

One of the many horrible outcomes of suffering with a mental illness, is that we are left with many scars. Some of these scars are not visible. They leave their mark deep within.

It is not just my skin that has been scarred. Its my mind. My heart. My soul.

These words might sound a bit like a cliche phrase on suffering. But its not.

It is fact.

My life will NEVER be the same.
Even if by some miracle I gain remission from my depression, I will still carry the scars. I will still suffer the consequences of having to bear such a horrid burden.

If you have suffered in any form at any point in your life, be assured of something.
We all have scars. Every one of us. whether we notice them or not, whether they are visible or not. whether they are fresh or old, big or small.

I have physical scars, over a large portion of my body. These are a constant reminder to me of my  terrible pain.
I have scars that come to me in my dreams. Nightmares of images that my imagination creates.
I have scars in my heart. Regret, Sorrow, Confusion.
I have scars in my brain. These scars took my past. My life and my memory.
I have scars that affect how i feel. Tiredness, weariness, lack of motivation. Yes, these are symptoms of depression, but they are also scars. My journey has wearied every part of my life, my body, my soul, my family.
There are many more scars, it would take pages to talk you through them.
It doesn't matter the label of the scars. They are still there. They still hurt us.

We all have people in our lives, even if we are determined to deny it, that love and care for us.
These people want to walk with us in our journey. They won't tell us to stop crying, but instead sit next to us and hold the tissues.

I want to say something else though.
In a way, it would be easy for me to sign off now, saying 'share your scars, rather than hide them.'
This is true to a certain point.
But, as I alluded to earlier, sometimes it does matter to us who sees our scars.

Our scars tell a story, which makes us vulnerable. Not many people would go up to a stranger, lift up their shirt and say 'See these scars? I had heart surgery last month'.

We need to come to terms with our own pain, our own stories behind our scars. We do need to realise that there are people we can trust with our incredibly personal journey.

BUT, we also have the right to were long sleeves if we are uncomfortable. We don't have to explain the marks on our arms to everybody we see.

This is a very private issue.
Sometimes we hide our scars to protect ourselves. Sometimes we hide our scars to protect others.
It is important to remember also, that not everybody wants to hear our stories and stare at our scars.

So all I can sign off with today is this.

Your life, no matter the scars, has been a journey. Share it if you feel led, Hold it back if you feel you need. Do not feel pressured in any way.
Its your life, your body, your soul.

Thank you for reading as I seek to share and benefit those who need it. 
Please feel free to comment, pass on, share, to anybody who might need it.