Suicide, a journey of many

Suicide is not just one persons journey



This is a hard one to write. 
Last week was suicide awareness week.

It’s confronting to think about someone dying in any situation, and suicide seems to be even more confronting. 

Suicide is talked about an awful lot more in social media than it used to be, which is a relief, but I still don’t think its been discussed enough, and in-depth enough. It probably never will be.

Why do I say that? Because it is an issue that is difficult to understand, even for those dealing with it first hand. It is impossible to completely grasp this horrible occurrence.

Even the person who attempted suicide struggles to understand their actions. 

People who are survivors of attempted suicide, people who care for someone who has committed suicide or attempted to, suffer deeply, even if survival was the outcome.
They all have a huge process to work through.


The mentally ill person is dealing with an extremely powerful illness. They are in intense pain. They feel in some way there is no other option. It may be because their pain is too much to bare, they may feel alone, desperate, defeated, misunderstood. I could list off many words but the point is, their mind hurts, and their illness drives them to what they feel will finally stop that pain, to free them.

~Sometimes an attempt is planned, a long hard journey coming to an end. 

~ Sometimes its impulsive, when the rush of pain and emotion builds up and desperation takes over.

~ Sometimes they aren’t even really aware of what they are doing. Almost as if they black out and the illness itself completes the task.


I cannot speak for everyone who has gone through this experience, but I feel like suicide is a lethal symptom of a horrible illness. 

Why am I able to make these thoughts and opinions? 

Because I have been in this situation firsthand.

I never thought I would admit this out loud to anyone who didn’t already know. 
It’s extremely scary and confronting for me to say, not just to you, but also to myself.

But I’m beyond the secrecy now. 
Because the secrecy has made the whole thing so much harder to deal with. For both myself and my family and few close friends. 

Its time for me to share a small part of my story. 
For me, my depression has been a torturous beast for over 10 years. The amount of pain and suffering, darkness and fear, tears and hurt, disappointment and defeat, has been insurmountable.
I got to the point where it was too much. I had fought hard, but the beast had won. I surrendered. 

I won’t go into detail, because that’s not necessary. What is necessary, is me saying that I myself, have attempted suicide. 

I wish I could sit here and say, ‘well, thats done, lets just move on’.

Its not that simple. 

There are repercussions on everyone. I have a lot of different feelings and thoughts that I now wrestle with. 

There is shame, there is guilt and regret, there is frustration and defeat. Plus, the beast is still there.
It will take a long time to work through it all. 
I wish I could say that I feel a release, the relief of finally saying it, but at the moment, I am terrified. 

What will people think of me?
Will I be rejected?
Will anyone understand? 
Will it actually accomplish anything by saying this?
How am I supposed to face people once they know such a dark secret?
Will people avoid me, not knowing what to say?
Will people be afraid of sending me back over the edge, distancing themselves for my safety?

I can’t answer those questions, and that makes it more scary. The feeling of not having total control.

As well as all the emotional reactions, there are physical and practical consequences.

-My physical health is suffering due to my experience. 
-My living arrangement has changed.
-I’m constantly watched and protected, losing my independence.
-I am afraid of me, unable trust my own self.
-I have lost the trust and respect of those I love. 
(That is my view. They may feel differently, but in my mind, thats what I’m dealing with.)



Family and friends try to understand, but no matter how compassionate and empathetic they are, they still are unable to fully grasp the problem.

But they are dealing with trauma themselves. 

They have had to go through the horrible experience of knowing and seeing their loved one struggle with such a difficult, dark mental pain.

They have had to go through the experience of either hearing or seeing their loved one die or attempt to die.

They struggle with knowing what to say or do after the event.
How do they process such trauma? It is certainly not a quick or easy path.
Also, they can often either be forgotten, or completely overwhelmed with the ‘aftermath’.
They have a role to fulfil in supporting the victim. It’s not easy to put aside their own sadness to allow their loved one the opportunity to heal.
They also have to hold the ‘secret’ close, in respect for the victim. 


We all need to be aware of how much the horrible beast of mental illness attacks someone, and also those close to them. 

Speak up, speak out. Be honest. Be true.

 Allow vulnerability. Allow compassion. 

If you are in a situation where any of this impacts you, please talk to someone. If you can’t talk, just ask someone to sit with you. 

If you, or someone you know, has suicidal thoughts, remember, you/they cannot help it. Be supportive, and get support.

We all matter.  
Lets make life worth it.

I want to thank you for taking the time to read this. 

I would love to hear your comments and thoughts. 

There are many ways to reach out if you are in need. This includes phone lines 


*Mental Health Help Line: 1800 011 511
*Lifeline: 13 11 14
*Suicide Call Back Service: 1300 659 467

Also websites like
 beyond blue, which has an online chat service, 
black dog institute
 R U OK? 
Provide information and links.

And remember above all 

YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

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