UP, DOWN, AND ALL AROUND! Mood swings

RAIN, HAIL AND SHINE

Friday 26/01/2018

                                    ‘Mood swings’

Everyone has heard the phrase. 

The dictionary explains it as ‘an abrupt and unaccountable change of mood’.

You wake up in the morning happy and energetic (I wish!) but by morning tea time you’re cranky, and then at dinner you are excited. 

Or one minute your laughing, the next minute your crying. 

It can be confusing to those around you, but it can also be confusing for yourself.

Why am I talking about this today? Because our moods and behaviours impact so much of our life, it’s important to feel free to share and discuss these things. 

I have learned the hard way how my mood swings affect those I love. 

For example, one day, I was in a good mood. I was relaxed, calm and happy. My treatment was working (as much as it could) and I had family helping me with my kids. It was quiet at home and I had no responsibilities. 

But then, the next day, I was a mess. I was cranky at my husband and frustrated at the kids. Nothing seemed to go right. 

According to my husband, I flipped a complete 180. 

I really feel sorry for him. Talk about confusing! 

He just didn’t know what to do, how to help me. 

He probably was worried that he would say or do the wrong thing which would upset me more. 

It’s possible to say it was because of this, or caused by that, but in a way that doesn’t matter. 

It’s not easy to change our mood, but we do need to be aware of the impact it has on those around us. 

Some people experience huge highs, as well as huge lows. These feelings and moods are very different to what people imagine, if you have not experienced it. The low makes you want to die. People think the high would be great, like you want to fly. 

To be honest i have not experienced this much in the past, but the time where i have experienced a manic episode, is absolutely horrible. You have no idea the damage it does to a person, and their mood. 

I might speak more on this topic another time. :)

I don’t have any recollection of my life before depression. I have suffered memory loss and physically can’t remember that time.

But from what I can remember, during the past 8 years of depression, my mood has been pretty down, all the time. 

Well, most of the time.

I go through periods where my anxiety and self doubt cause anger bursts. This is usually because I am so upset inside my mind and body that I can’t process what’s happening around me. 

I go through periods where my mood is so low, so depressed, that I can’t get out of bed. I don’t talk to anybody, I don’t eat or shower. Everything is hopeless in my mind.

These have basically been my moods for the last 8 years or so, just these two,(anxiety and depression) sometimes a combination of them both at once. 

It’s not fun. For people observing, it must seem like I am not even trying. I had someone say to me one time that it was almost like I WANTED to be depressed.

There was a phrase I heard a lot when things were despairingly horrible. ‘It’s not all doom and gloom you know’. 

The fact is though, for me, it was. 

It’s all I could think about. How much pain I felt, how everything around me made me sad, that there was no hope of recovery, that I was a failure and a blemish on my family. The list goes on.

All I felt was gloom, and all I could see was doom.

I had no control over these feelings. This mood was not my choice. 

When I was anxious, it was usually because I was scared. Scared of what people would think of me, scared I would say the wrong thing, scared nobody actually really cared about me. I would not, and still can’t, go anywhere without a family member or a very close friend with me. In the house I’m ok, unless we have visitors. 

This anxiety then spreads to my home. I get cranky at the kids because I don’t know what I’m doing. I get cranky at my husband because I don’t feel secure enough, physically and emotionally. They cop it, and I hate it. 

The thing is though, they are still here. Nobody that matters to me has run off. 

It’s amazing. A miracle really. 

I guess the main thing to realise is that we all struggle with our moods. 

Husbands get fed up with hormonal wives, kids get angry at each other, people get elated and excited when good things happen. 

Sometimes we scream, sometimes we laugh, sometimes we yell, sometimes we cry. 

But the thing to remember is, we all do it. We all experience a thing called emotions. 

To be honest, even when I feel terrible, I am grateful that I don’t feel nothing, like I used to. My whole world was black, empty. Silent. I got to the point where I just didn’t care, about anything. I didn’t even want to care. Looking back I can see it was a self defence effort to avoid the intense pain in my suffering. 

It doesn’t give an excuse to act out, or blame our mood on our behaviours, but it does show that we care. That there are things in our life that are important to us. 

People with moods are people with feelings. These feelings create who we are. 

Pointing all the responsibility back to my illness doesn’t solve the problem though. 

It won’t change the way my mood affects me, or my family and friends. It is still going to affect our relationships and our achievements. 

Placing the blame solely on a force outside of me, lets me of the hook. Which isn’t right. 

I might not be able to completely control my emotions, but I can name them as mine. Apologise when I need to, speak up when I can, hold on tight and keep pushing. 

I can smile when I hear myself laugh. Shake my head when I see something silly. Close my eyes and sigh as I feel the pleasure of good chocolate.......

MMM...Chocolate.......

Our moods are so often decided by our surroundings, our situations. What our home life is like, how people talk to us, the stresses we have at school or work, the things we do throughout the day. 

There is also a physical aspect. Illness can destroy our strength. Body pain causes tension and often a short fuse. A

For women, our hormones can play a big part in this, although we don’t always like to admit it! 

Men struggle too, as testosterone either floods, or fades. 

We are not always in complete control of these influences. But we do need to own them. 

We need to listen when somebody tells us to calm down. Notice when we need to step back and take a breath. 

Apologise when we hurt somebody with our mood.

Write daily in a journal, or keep tabs of the times of darkness. 

Try to find something positive every day to hold onto. 

We do have some control, if we try. 

We also need to try and understand each other. Give people space to feel their own feelings without judgment. 

It’s hard to be standing on the outside, trying to see the inside of someone we love. 

Our moods bounce off each other. If I’m tense, my husband gets frustrated. 

When I’m sad, my husband feels helpless. 

When I’m agitated, my kids bicker more. 

For me, I know an extreme that not many people can truly understand, and I hope nobody has to suffer internally the way I have. It is impossible to truly understand what another person is feeling. 

Sometimes it’s best not to question, because we don’t actually know. 

Sometimes it IS all doom and gloom, no obvious way past our pain Sometimes it’s all sunshine and roses, where EVERYTHING is good, and can usually be blind to the dark patches in our own life and the life of those we love. 

These are the two extremes, with many variations on the line in between. 

We all swing one way or the other, sometimes all in one day, sometimes from month to month, but if we are human, we will always be on this pendulum. 

Our mood swings may not always be noticeable or complex, but they will always happen. 

We should celebrate our emotions, both the good and the bad. 

Our moods are what make us human. 

Accept it, knowing we are not alone.

Admit it, to help ourselves and to benefit others 

Embrace it, knowing that God made us this way, for a reason.

And try not to fall off the swing! :) 

Sometimes we laugh, sometimes we cry, but who we are never changes, no matter how or why.