If they can do it, why can't I?

I need to stop comparing.

Some people spend most of their life judging others, some people spend most of their life judging themselves.

I wonder if you can tell with one is me...?

I judge myself.

Constantly.  It can be debilitating. 

I don't just judge myself when I do something wrong, or make a mistake.
 I judge myself about everything. 
My mental illness has caused me to be own worst enemy.

If I make a mistake, even something simple, like burn the dinner, I criticise myself. Not just because I failed, but because so many other people succeeded.

I am always comparing myself to others. Some comparisons are obviously unrealistic. If I compare my cooking ability to a master chef, of course I am going to come out last. 
But my problem, is comparing myself to people in a similar situation. A friend struggling with depression, or a single mum of three kids. 
My mind has a few favourite toxic phrases, one of which is:

'If they can do it, why can't I?'

I don't ever give myself a break. This is a very lonely and hurtful place to be. 
By downgrading myself constantly, it defeats me. This in turn actually makes me more likely to fail.

It also makes me feel so defeated that I stop even trying. 
"Why bother, it won't work anyway" 
"If I fail I will feel so ashamed, so I won't even try"

Because of this way of thinking, I spend my whole day torturing myself.
 I get out of bed 'I should have got out of bed earlier' 
I walk down the hallway, 'I didn't do a good job cleaning'
I eat breakfast reminding myself how overweight I am. 
I decide not to go to church because I am so ashamed of myself i do not feel worthy to be around other christians. 
I see a friend chatting to someone else, 'They are a better friend than I am'
I sit and cry many times a day, feeling so incompetent and worthless.
Then I cry because all I can do is cry.

What good does this thinking do??
NOTHING!

It is ok to strive to be more, to do more. It's ok to see others around us as role models. 
I average about 20-30 people who read this blog. At first I was surprised, I felt like I was doing the right thing. Then I heard someone I know comment that they 'only' had a few hundred followers on theirs. Instantly I crumbled inside. My blog was no longer any good. My blog was now inferior (in my mind it was anyway.)
Instead of whipping myself, I should use that as motivation to try more. To work harder. To know there is room to grow. 
I also need to remind myself of why I do something. 
I'm not writing this blog to get popularity or praise. I'm writing it because I feel led to speak up, even if only one or two people hear me. I need to keep focused. 
I don't cook dinner to get a spot in a tv show. I don't get out of bed so that I can do better than the mother down the road.

I don't know how I am ever going to stop this damaging thinking, but at least I am now aware I do this, and hopefully every now and then I can pull myself up on it. 

Thats the goal of todays blog. To urge you to ponder your own thinking. To make you aware that these thoughts are quick to take over and harm us. 
Stop comparing yourself to others, and stop judging yourself. 

The only person you should compare yourself to is you.

Thanks for reading everyone! Feel free to comment or pass on. 


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