Is it my fault??

Whose fault is it??
 Am I guilty?

Depression does something to those who suffer from it. Depression takes away a persons self confidence, their dignity.
Things that most people don’t even think about, plague the minds of those whose thoughts are their own worsts enemy.

 One of the hardest things, is guilt. 
I know I’m ‘guilty’ of this thought pattern.

 To give you an example, I had an appointment with a psychologist while I was in hospital. 
It was so good to be able to talk to someone, outside of my family, about the horrible things I tell myself.
I was able to admit to her just how much it hurts to see the pain I have caused my family. 

 The guilt of knowing how much I have lost, and how much my family have lost, because of me. 
 Being in hospital for 6 weeks has been draining for everyone involved. 

I could rattle off many more reasons I am ashamed of myself, but it would take a very long time! 
My psychologist caught me up on this. (P.S. This isn’t word for word!)

*‘First of all, did you knowingly become severely unwell, on purpose, to be selfish in any way?’

Hesitantly, knowing where she was going with this.... I replied no.

*‘Secondly, if it were your husband, rather than you, that had become so unwell, would you blame him for any of it?’

Again, knowing she was right, I replied no.

It is soo easy to get caught up in this major guilt trip.

Of course my husband doesn’t want to hear me say ‘It’s too much, I just want to die’. (Well, I hope he doesn’t anyway!!) ðŸ¤”

It’s important to remember that we did not choose to be unwell. We did not do anything to deserve this. 
It doesn’t matter what has happened in our life, good or bad, mental illness doesn’t discriminate between different people.

Yes, it hurts us. 
Yes, it hurts those we love. 
It’s horrible.
It’s terrible.
You have no idea how many times I have wished I could disappear to stop the pain I am causing others. 

 The things that happen while we are unwell, the actions and words that hurt, are symptoms of an illness. This is the same as the symptoms of the flu can include fever and coughing.🤒

 It’s easy to say it, but not as easy to convince ourselves that it's true.

 I still haven’t got a handle on this issue. 
I struggle everyday, carrying such a heavy burden of guilt and shame.
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I don’t have the magic words to change this. 
But my encouragement to you is this.

💜If you are suffering mental illness, and these thoughts are within you, it’s normal. 
But you don’t have to believe everything your mind tells you. Listen to those who care, they don’t blame you. Trust them.

💙For those surrounding someone suffering, be aware that they feel this way. 
Make sure you tell that person that you love them. That you hold no grudges.
Maybe find something positive to say thank you to them for. 
Remind them that they are worth it. 
‘Thank you for helping me figure out that puzzle’
 or 
‘thank you for talking to me'. 
Big or small, these comments DO make a difference, for both them and yourself. 

If we all carried the burden of guilt for everything that happens to us in life, no one would ever be able to stand.


Feel free to share this blog or make a comment :) Thank you for reading along with me.

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