It is not alright

Whose fault is it??  Am I guilty? Depression does something to those who suffer from it. Depression takes away a persons self confidence, their dignity. Things that most people don’t even think about, plague the minds of those whose thoughts are their own worsts enemy. One of the hardest things, is guilt.  I know I’m ‘guilty’ of this thought pattern. To give you an example, I had an appointment with a psychologist while I was in hospital.  It was so good to be able to talk to someone, outside of my family, about the horrible things I tell myself. I was able to admit to her just how much it hurts to see the pain I have caused my family.  The guilt of knowing how much I have lost, and how much my family have lost, because of me .   Being in hospital for 6 weeks has been draining for everyone involved.  I could rattle off many more reasons I am ashamed of myself, but it would take a very long time!  My psychologist...

What can I say, what can you say? An issue that gets thrown around a lot for me has to do with talking. I will get asked ‘Why didn’t you tell me it was that bad?’ Often I want to reply ‘why did you not ask?’ Speaking is hard work. Our words impact, no matter the meaning behind it. Words are important to life. If I am having a bad day, the last thing I want to do is declare it to everyone. Mental illness is a very personal and private struggle. There are many feelings of anxiety, worthlessness, guilt, shame, denial, confusion, hopelessness......etc. It’s not easy to just blurt out ‘hey, just so you know, I don’t want to be alive’ It’s even hard to simply say ‘I’m sad’. This is one of the ironic symptoms of depression. The deeper we fall, the harder it is to reach out, which then in turn makes us fall harder and faster. Its hard for others to say something as well. For the people around a person suffering, there is a fear and awkwardness.  ‘Will I say the right thing?’ ‘I don...

Whenever I hear someone cry or suffer, my heart cries with them. It’s horrible to witness the pain.  What is more horrible though, is the realization that this behavior does not shock or surprise me.  It has become normal for me to walk past a hospital room and hear someone sobbing. It’s normal to see someone so anxious they are physically shaking. It’s normal to see someone so agitated that they need sedating, or in so much pain that they seem frozen in time. Although I am used to this, I still weep inside whenever I see or hear these things.  Suffering has become normal for me. I have been in those situations. I have felt those same feelings.  I have seen and talked to hundreds of sufferers, each with their own painful journey.  I have been in and out of hospital for so many years that this way of living is normal.  It may be normal, but it’s not ok.  Most people never witness the true grief that comes with mental illne...

Sometimes all you can d o is exist We get told constantly in our society to strive more, be more, push harder, do better.  I can see the merit of this. We need to push ourselves in order to keep moving. If we don’t try, we cannot succeed. But there is a difference between giving up, or not trying, and being unable.  Throughout my depression I have had numerous comments and advice, some good and some bad.  One thing I hated more than anything was ‘you just need to push yourself more, try harder’. I always wanted to respond by saying ‘oh yeah, I don’t have to suffer depression any more, I’ll just tell myself I’m ok’  Sometimes this can be relevant and helpful, but there is a point where this can just ad guilt and frustration to the mix. People who have not experienced mental illness cannot understand the hurt we feel when someone doesn’t see how damn hard we are trying.  I had a nurse tell me I needed to push myself to go to the dini...

"But my pain is bigger than yours".... really? Have you ever wondered why people cry over something insignificant? The answer is simple: It is significant to them. God made everyone different, we all feel pain in our own way. we experience life differently. Not better or worse, just different. I might see someone I know who has just broken a leg. Ouch! I would help and support them, knowing that that leg must be causing a lot of pain! Later in the same day I might see someone bump their arm on a doorknob. That person sits on the ground and cries. It would be so easy for me to say to that person  "Come on, its not that bad, at least you didn't break your leg!"  But is that the right response? Technically, the injuries are quite different, but in reality , that shouldn't matter. We need to treat everybody with the same respect. If someone cries, it means they are sad. If they hurt it means they are in pain. Who are we to judge what that p...

RAIN , HAIL AND SHINE Friday 26/01/2018                                     ‘Mood swings’ Everyone has heard the phrase.  The dictionary explains it as ‘an abrupt and unaccountable change of mood’. You wake up in the morning happy and energetic (I wish!) but by morning tea time you’re cranky, and then at dinner you are excited.  Or one minute your laughing, the next minute your crying.  It can be confusing to those around you, but it can also be confusing for yourself. Why am I talking about this today? Because our moods and behaviours impact so much of our life, it’s important to feel free to share and discuss these things.  I have learned the hard way how my mood swings affect those I love.  For example, one day, I was in a good mood. I was relaxed, calm and happy. My treatment was working (as much as it could) and I had family helping ...